Well, after what felt like an eternity, I finally made it through the first trimester of pregnancy. While time has whipped by like the ND wind, pregnancy time has been slowing crawling by (like a baby, get it?!) Yes, I'm an impatient person by nature (we all know this) but I'll be 15 weeks this week. I remember being 8 weeks and thinking there was no way I could carry on feeling like I did for another 5-6 WEEKS. But, as I suspect I will say many more times in the upcoming months and years, you just do. Anyway, I have some 1st trimester truths I would like to share, not only for you, 2 readers, but for me to look back and perhaps even remind myself for the next time around (if and when there is a next time).
Truth #1: The elephant in the (mis)carriage.
Because this has been the most prominent and emotionally draining on me, let's talk about the scary, looming, elephant in the room during the 1st trimester: miscarrying. I find myself envious (and, okay, since this is my blog, a tad annoyed...) in women who have not gone through this getting to enjoy their pregnancy bliss without the looming thought of "what if???" Now, I'm not saying people who haven't had a miscarriage don't have this thought, I would imagine they do (though I don't distinctly remember having it?) The completely out-of-your-control fear I felt (feel, I guess, though the intensity has decreased) every day, the thoughts of what would happen to me if I were to miscarry again (How will I/we do that again? Will I be emotionally ready to ever try again? What if I/we can't ever have kids?) Part of what calmed me was the way I felt - completely different than last time, actually feeling sick and the fatigue...oh the fatigue! I work with cancer survivors and have been told that chemo fatigue is the absolute worst fatigue there is (coming from people who have had kids...). I believe I once heard "take the most tired you've ever been, even in pregnancy if you've experienced it, and take that times about 10...that is almost what chemo fatigue feels like, only worse." Another reason why cancer survivors are my heros (another blog post), but wow. I can't imagine. Wow, did I get off on a tangent or what?! Anywho, feeling like crap made me feel better about baby. On the rare moments when I had some energy or didn't feel like throwing up, I would worry because I felt good. Now that the 1st tri is over, I can't say all of these feelings have fallen by the wayside (I have heard way too many stories from others) but the anxiety has definitely eased. Seeing and then hearing baby's heartbeat (and seeing them bounce around like a jelly bean!) was literally the best medicine in soothing that anxiety.
Truth #2: I'm too tired to go to the bathroom.
HA! But I have to go to the bathroom....!!! I can't count the number of times I asked Brett to go to the bathroom for me because I was too tired to get off the couch or out of bed. If I would have had a big enough bowl, I would have used it. Lucky for me, I didn't have large bowls around me because there wasn't any actual vomiting or mass quantities of food consumed (more on that later).
Truth #3: The world revolves around me. Well, baby. But baby is inside of me, so me.
Baby brain? Sure, it exists. But I believe what we call baby brain is really just the preoccupation pregnant women have with themselves and the HUMAN they're growing in their belly. Were you saying something? Sorry, I was too busy thinking about what it will feel like to breastfeed. You asked me to do what? Oh, sorry, I forgot because I got sidetracked researching pregnancy constipation. You told me Shaina Twain was going to be over at your house cooking you dinner and she wanted me there, too? Sorry, must have been daydreaming about the future president in my belly. So, sure, baby brain.
Truth #4: I work out (of my bed).
See truth #2. Too tired to go to the bathroom, but I held myself to unrealistic expectations when it came to working out. Not that I thought I should be running marathons or competing in Crossfit competitions (couldn't do that when I wasn't knocked up!) but I thought I should be at least able to move my damn body. Seriously, Linds, just walk. How hard is walking? Stretch for 5 minutes. 5 minutes, you lazy pile! Just GET UP. Moving makes me feel better. So, move and you'll feel better. The whole adventure in the middle was the difficult part. Yes, I realize my job doesn't help with these unrealistic expectations, but I also had pregnant women around me jumping off the walls. I have come so far in not comparing myself to others and being kind to myself, I seemed to forget this throughout the first tri. Now that I finally have back that little thing I *think* is called energy (haven't seen it for awhile!), I'm mad at myself for being so hard on myself. Now that completing a workout doesn't involve 4-6 hours of self talk and coaxing, I can look back and say that. I can only hope I will remember this if I get a second round of this. (Seriously, you fool, remember this!) Also, can I just say how enjoyable working out while you're pregnant is? No longer am I worried about if I'm working hard enough or personal goals or anything ideal body related, I am just simply working out at a comfortable pace to be healthy for baby. It really is...refreshing.
Truth #5: Food.
Food has never been this mysterious to me in my life. I've always been a sweets addict and now suddenly I'm passing on the cookies (ok, maybe not entirely passing...) and going for the crackers. And even those don't really taste good. Or they did for the first half of the box and now the thought of them repulses me. Why does fruit taste like candy (seriously, more KIWI!!!) Why have I eaten a homemade "egg mcmuffin" every morning for the past 6 weeks and would eat them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, if I didn't know baby needed something other than bread, eggs, cheese, avocado, and turkey. (Oh, geez, I could go for one RIGHT NOW!) Though I did almost cry today when I thought someone had brought me cake and instead it was a card (don't ask how that happened) and I almost cut my husband when I got home and realized he had eaten the last of the chips and salsa a few weeks ago...but, I digress.
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