The Treadmill's My Boyfriend

Once upon a time, I lived with a sweet gal by the name of Michelle. We would often have long talks (usually after indulging in one too many adult beverages) about our (lack of) love lives and how men were…difficult. Yeah, difficult. Around the same time I was training for my first half marathon – logging many hours on the treadmill. Note to anyone running their first road race – this was NOT wise! During one of these profound heart to hearts, I stated that “the treadmill was my boyfriend.” The more I began to think about it, the more it made sense. I was dating a treadmill and it was the best relationship I had ever been in!

How do I describe this 10 year long affair between the treadmill and me? Sometimes our relationship lasts for months on end, seeing each other multiple times a week, and others…well, we see each other from across the room, but make no contact. Many people think I use the treadmill – I get to call the shots and the treadmill doesn’t have a say. I control the duration of our time spent together, the exact speed of our trysts, and the elevation of our climax. I’m humane, sometimes I dread jumping on the treadmill. After a few long minutes with some gentle touches, I am usually warmed up and ready to go. Some days we keep our pace slow – up and down, rolling terrain. Other days we alternate between fast and slow. Fast and slow. Faster. Slower. Usually during the spring months, we spend hours upon hours together, keeping our pace slow and steady until the end is near, when together we sprint to the finish. Those are the days where I feel the best getting off (the treadmill), drenched in sweat, exhaustion, and glory. Sometimes I watch TV while interacting with the treadmill. Some people think this is wrong, but for me it provides a distraction until I can get off. I really enjoy listening to music while engaged with the treadmill. If we’re taking it slow, I enjoy the sweet music of Boys II Men, or my most recent favorite, ADELE. If we’re doing a speedy session, I pretty something with a good beat we can keep pace to, like the Black Eyed Peas or Shinedown.

Often times I find myself wondering why I even find the treadmill appealing. Then I begin listing the reasons. The treadmill doesn’t care what I wear or if my hair is messy. It always makes me feel better about myself. It is there when no one else is. I can travel near and far, and if I look hard enough, I can always find it. It hardly ever talks back – if it does squeal or whine, lube usually takes care of it.

Now that I'm married, I still date the treadmill on and off. As rocky as it can be, it's a relationship that isn't going anywhere. We’ll be together through thick and thin, till elliptical do us part.

I encourage all women, even men, to have a relationship with the treadmill. The best part of being in a relationship with a treadmill? You can always trade in for a newer, fancier model!